On Congruence

Sometimes you read something and it doesn’t feel like new information, but more like something that just goes in you. That happened when I came across Sasha Chapin's writing on congruence recently. It stirred something in me that I'd been feeling for a while without quite naming it.

That word has followed me since. It's come up in conversations with clients, in small moments at home, and during those quiet in-between spaces where you suddenly notice whether things feel either settled, or slightly off. It feels like one of those ideas that once you have a word for it, you start to see it everywhere.

Congruence is often defined as in harmony or in agreement. Carl Rogers, the founder of humanistic psychology, described it as a unity between your experience, your self-concept, and your outward behaviour. That’s a lot ! But for me it's a lot simpler than that. It's about whether the life we're living actually fits who we are now. Not who you were a few years ago, and not who you think you should be, just you, as you are today. Kind of sounds straightforward, but it rarely is. Most of us are carrying some version of a life that was designed for a slightly different person, or a different time.

What I keep noticing is that a lot of the unease people describe isn't because something is dramatically wrong. It's more like a quiet misalignment. Our outside of life hasn't quite caught up with the inside, or vice versa. Things are functioning, but there's a background effort that maybe doesn't need to be there. A tiredness that rest doesn't quite resolve. A sense of being busy without really feeling at ease, of pushing when you'd rather just be moving in flow.

And when we look at it, it’s usually something quite ordinary. A role outgrown, or a pace that no longer suits. A way of working or relating that made sense at one point but doesn't anymore. Nothing is broken but maybe something that might need updating. And often the hardest part is admitting that, because it can feel disloyal somehow to a past decision, or to other people's expectations, or to a version of yourself you worked hard to become.

It feels like congruence rarely starts with big external change. It starts with honesty and about what actually matters now. It’s about what you're still carrying that no longer belongs to you and about what you're doing out of habit or fear or expectation rather than real choice. When that honesty is present, something tends to shift. Conversations soften. Decisions become clearer. There's less explaining yourself, less inner argument, less of that low hum of friction that you'd almost stopped noticing.

I used to think alignment would feel energising, maybe even dramatic, like some kind of breakthrough. In reality it often feels like relief. Not much different on the outside, but noticeably easier on the inside.

In a world and culture that moves fast and rewards noise, that kind of ease can feel almost too simple to trust. But I'm finding I trust it more than I used to. When the friction drops, something real has usually lined up.

So as the year gets underway (hope it’s not too late to say that), I'm not thinking much about resolutions. I'm more interested in fit, where life feels like it genuinely belongs to you right now, and where you might still be living inside a shape that's a little out of date.

There's no need to rush those answers. They tend to surface when you give them a little space.

P.S. If any of this struck a chord with you, it’s the kind of work I do in my coaching. I help people find the clarity and courage to speak up, make better choices, and create the conditions for a life that feels more aligned. If you’ve been sitting on something you want to shift, I’d love to have a conversation.

Paul

You can find more information as well as testimonials from former and current clients, on my website… www.paulcheika.com

You can contact me there, via LinkedIn or you can email me at paul@paulcheika.com

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